Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Juggling Act
Ever since I started back to "school" in January, I have envisioned my life as a juggling act, with me trying to keep all the balls in the air. Some days are easier than others. Every week I try to balance caring for and spending time with my child, caring for and being there for my husband, completing steps to get my degree, and communicating with my family. I knew I would eventually have a tough week. And I think I knew it was building up. It started with my mothers typical reaction to when I become busier and only call a few times a week. As in I don't call everyday, maybe 2-3 times instead. However, it is what it is and it was what it was, so I endured a week of frustrating e-mails and phone calls and assurances that she did a better job of keeping in touch with her parents when I was a child (of course, because they lived in the same state! Oh how much could be "better" if I had not moved...). On top of this background In retrospect, I should have expected the fallout from this as it is predictable and should have started weaning her off my maternity leave schedule awhile ago. I researched and prepared a presentation of my dissertation idea. It is difficult to present your ideas and be completely open to feedback, but I did it! Yay! Then the following week brought more feedback. And yesterday, yet more feedback and even more interpersonal feedback. While I should be happy about all this, it is still hard to take. Add to this the fact that I am still waiting for feedback on a piece of writing that is going to need more revisions than originally thought. Add to this that I am REALLY feeling the pressure to get OUT of graduate school. A few years ago I was forced to see how my hormones and other factors in my life affect how I feel about and react to daily events. This past weekend was our first encounter with how bad teething can really be. Thankfully I had some sleep before everything yesterday, but I was so incredibly tired from two nights of little to no sleep. I am hoping that this was the major factor in feeling like a total failure yesterday and once more feeling like maybe I should just drop it all. I had the hardest time holding back the tears all day (this is something else I have to work on - why I cry so darn easily. I can already tell that being tired is a major factor, but only in being able to fight it.) I added a day of daycare for tomorrow so that I can have a make-up day for losing this past Monday (a holiday). I'll miss the time with my baby, but I think it will do a lot for my mental health. I know this post may sound a little Debbie Downer, but, there is a silver lining to everything. When I came home yesterday, hubby made dinner and I nursed and snuggled my amazing baby. I love them both more and more each day. I am one lucky girl. This week, I envisioned all of the balls falling out of sync, but hopefully next week can get them all back up in the air!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Let's see how this works out...
My first blog post for this blog. Why am I blogging? At the start of the new year, it seemed like all my mommy friends were resolving to blog. Some about food, some about crafting (Pinterest anyone?), and some about just plain random topics. Of course, I became inspired. But what to blog about? I don't have the time to post my grocery list or recipes I've tried. I'm not crafty and lost interest in Pinterest long before many joined. I already have a blog all about my beautiful child that I started as soon as I found out I was pregnant, but that one is private, for close family and friends. Also, probably not very interesting to anyone besides myself. My "followers" (all 3) don't even really follow. Finally I don't have time for "just random" and I don't really think my randomness is that interesting. Therefore, I decided that if I am going to blog, it needs to be something I want to write about. Especially given the time issue.
Time is a funny thing. We as humans have created this concept - our need to quantify and measure has led us to the clock which rules our lives. I realize, when I say "I don't have any time" that is a judgment on my part, and it is my decision as to where "my time" is used. Realistically, I should not be blogging right now, because of my time constraints.
What time constraints you ask? I'm happy to tell you, as I'm sure anyone who reads this can relate. Really, we are all busy and have "no time". Where does my time belong?
In no particular order of importance (or maybe it is, you decide):
1) I'm a mom. And I love being a mom. I have wanted to be a mom for so long, and finally after what seemed to me forever (but probably not that long if you look at the world of infertility), and really, 3 years to get pregnant in our measurable amount of time, I became a mom in 2011. I cannot begin to go into how happy motherhood has made me, but I am sure it will be a recurring theme here. But, as much as I am over the moon about motherhood, I can't do a blog only on that. I just can't,because there is more to me than this. I should be with my baby right now.
2) I'm a wife. And again, I love being a wife. I love my husband. He is the sweetest, kindest, most caring man I have ever known, and super smart. Some days, I don't know why he is still with me, because I swear he is a better person than myself. He is truly my partner in all things - diapers, cleaning, cooking, you name it. The only thing I have had to do without him is breastfeed, and he has fully supported all my decisions in that area. I should be doing dishes right now.
3) I am a daughter. Which, as all daughters know, comes with its own territory. And this is made even more complicated by the fact that I moved about 2500 miles away from my family for school, ended up getting married, and will probably never move back, all of which my mother will never forgive me for. Other unforgivables: Not calling enough, not calling from the appropriate places, and not leaving messages. Not visiting enough. Visiting with the in-laws too much. Not reading minds. Most of you know how this goes. I should be calling mother right now.
4) I am a PhD student. I have been for awhile. This program has taken me way to long. I take responsibility for my part in this (marriage, baby, not being an adult in many situations). However, I still resent others roles in this. Life is a two-way street. After finally putting on my big girl panties and making some major changes (which again, cost me that precious commodity, time) I am in a scholastic space that I love. I now realize I went through a depression regarding my academic life, but this has since been mediated by the fact that I have my son. This issue may be a topic worthy of it's own blog post, so I will stop there. I should be doing reading or writing right now.
5) I am a sister. However, given the time and space between us both in age and in miles, this issue does not come up. But, given my poor husband's experiences with his sister, I try to keep my brother on the page and recognize his existence at least once a month, or on important dates. He is a great guy and I am so sorry that I left when I did, because he was just starting to turn into a great adult.
6) I am a friend. But I am a horrible friend. I have a history of ruined friendships. Never in that dramatic sense, because I avoid, but broken bridges throughout my past. Never burned though. After going through a miscarriage, I broke more bridges, due to my feelings of being invalidated. That all said, I feel like I have some pretty decent relationships currently. Again, these need attention, which = time.
7) I am a sister-in-law, Aunt, daughter-in-law. Not much to say about this currently. I have awesome inlaws, very supportive and sweet. I have a not so awesome sister and brother in law, but they made cute kids, so can't complain too much. Maybe we can just call them average. Granted, the SIL has upped her game since my son was born, so that means a lot in my book.
So there is my life. Who am I? I am me. I am a balance of all these people. All these facets of myself. And this I find truly interesting, and very relate-able. I hope. I don't really know - you tell me. I started this blog in early January, but could not find the right starting point. I had the name and the idea. For some reason, yesterday, I had a burst of ideas - in the car while driving to school, of course. Procrastination can make me creative;) I plan to talk about the issues most relevant to me within this realm I have laid out for you. My struggles to balance everything - to keep all plates spinning - all while staying true to my values. I can't promise posting regularly, but I do hope it will always be something that helps me with this balance I strive for and strikes a similar note with you, my readers. If I ever get any.
Time is a funny thing. We as humans have created this concept - our need to quantify and measure has led us to the clock which rules our lives. I realize, when I say "I don't have any time" that is a judgment on my part, and it is my decision as to where "my time" is used. Realistically, I should not be blogging right now, because of my time constraints.
What time constraints you ask? I'm happy to tell you, as I'm sure anyone who reads this can relate. Really, we are all busy and have "no time". Where does my time belong?
In no particular order of importance (or maybe it is, you decide):
1) I'm a mom. And I love being a mom. I have wanted to be a mom for so long, and finally after what seemed to me forever (but probably not that long if you look at the world of infertility), and really, 3 years to get pregnant in our measurable amount of time, I became a mom in 2011. I cannot begin to go into how happy motherhood has made me, but I am sure it will be a recurring theme here. But, as much as I am over the moon about motherhood, I can't do a blog only on that. I just can't,because there is more to me than this. I should be with my baby right now.
2) I'm a wife. And again, I love being a wife. I love my husband. He is the sweetest, kindest, most caring man I have ever known, and super smart. Some days, I don't know why he is still with me, because I swear he is a better person than myself. He is truly my partner in all things - diapers, cleaning, cooking, you name it. The only thing I have had to do without him is breastfeed, and he has fully supported all my decisions in that area. I should be doing dishes right now.
3) I am a daughter. Which, as all daughters know, comes with its own territory. And this is made even more complicated by the fact that I moved about 2500 miles away from my family for school, ended up getting married, and will probably never move back, all of which my mother will never forgive me for. Other unforgivables: Not calling enough, not calling from the appropriate places, and not leaving messages. Not visiting enough. Visiting with the in-laws too much. Not reading minds. Most of you know how this goes. I should be calling mother right now.
4) I am a PhD student. I have been for awhile. This program has taken me way to long. I take responsibility for my part in this (marriage, baby, not being an adult in many situations). However, I still resent others roles in this. Life is a two-way street. After finally putting on my big girl panties and making some major changes (which again, cost me that precious commodity, time) I am in a scholastic space that I love. I now realize I went through a depression regarding my academic life, but this has since been mediated by the fact that I have my son. This issue may be a topic worthy of it's own blog post, so I will stop there. I should be doing reading or writing right now.
5) I am a sister. However, given the time and space between us both in age and in miles, this issue does not come up. But, given my poor husband's experiences with his sister, I try to keep my brother on the page and recognize his existence at least once a month, or on important dates. He is a great guy and I am so sorry that I left when I did, because he was just starting to turn into a great adult.
6) I am a friend. But I am a horrible friend. I have a history of ruined friendships. Never in that dramatic sense, because I avoid, but broken bridges throughout my past. Never burned though. After going through a miscarriage, I broke more bridges, due to my feelings of being invalidated. That all said, I feel like I have some pretty decent relationships currently. Again, these need attention, which = time.
7) I am a sister-in-law, Aunt, daughter-in-law. Not much to say about this currently. I have awesome inlaws, very supportive and sweet. I have a not so awesome sister and brother in law, but they made cute kids, so can't complain too much. Maybe we can just call them average. Granted, the SIL has upped her game since my son was born, so that means a lot in my book.
So there is my life. Who am I? I am me. I am a balance of all these people. All these facets of myself. And this I find truly interesting, and very relate-able. I hope. I don't really know - you tell me. I started this blog in early January, but could not find the right starting point. I had the name and the idea. For some reason, yesterday, I had a burst of ideas - in the car while driving to school, of course. Procrastination can make me creative;) I plan to talk about the issues most relevant to me within this realm I have laid out for you. My struggles to balance everything - to keep all plates spinning - all while staying true to my values. I can't promise posting regularly, but I do hope it will always be something that helps me with this balance I strive for and strikes a similar note with you, my readers. If I ever get any.
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