I recently ran across this quote while looking for something motivational:
Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
At the time, I did not think much of it. However, in the light of this Monday after a tumultuous last week, I can relate to this idea.
Almost every day I am confronted with my past. I don't understand all of it, but it is there. Luring me with comfortable coping strategies that do not work in the long-term. Through my life journey, I have realized that my way of coping with stress is to AVOID. Alternatively, I was taught to stick with activities and see them through. I think the confrontation of these things has led to my extenuated graduate school career. I have been working on a piece of writing for a long time now. I had turned in what I was hoping would be my final draft (it was a third draft). This was not to be. After a meeting, I had several changes and some more research to embark upon. Not what you want to hear. Some of this feedback I especially would have liked earlier than now. But, such is the process I suppose. True to form, I avoid working on the now dreaded piece of writing for a week. This puts me behind, but in the short term, it is what I do. When I finally decide to tackle the monster I find...it's not that bad. Really?!? But this is what I do - I build a monster in my head and avoid. At least now I am learning to do different.
This has been my motto since January - do different. Recognize my old patterns and work on change. It is not easy. But I do not want to leave this legacy to my child. More importantly, I'd like to graduate someday!
I should note that I started this blog a few weeks ago. I have since had some more experiences that have forced me to confront my old patterns. It is a weekly battle. This past week, I had another on of my breakdowns to my husband. The one where I question my purpose in life, whether I should change direction, etc. etc. Bless his heart, he is used to it. At its end, I decided to have my blood drawn to look at some levels that I need to have balanced in order to function. I also recognized my sleep-deprived state as contributing to my "breakdown" (thank you teething!). Baby's first birthday was a bit of an emotional roller coaster. I was also recently called to put more on my plate. (What? In what time you ask? You can see why I stress). But that is something I will have to handle as it goes - I'm an adult - I'll have to handle it in an adult manner.
Finally, I could start recalibrating myself. I also had a whole week of spring break to catch up on things. Then, sickness struck the household...No daycare reprieve for me to be able to write. No good night's sleep. Sigh. Recalibration may have to wait for next Monday...
The silver lining? My schedule is flexible enough for me to be able to stay home with my sick baby and provide all the cuddles he needs until he gets better. In the end, isn't that what I'll remember?
